Illness and Strife

So, it seems I am incapable of living up to the resolution 'I will blog daily'.

Still, I think it's good I haven't let a year pass since such a resolution this time round - only a month and a bit!

My first rotation of FY2 has ended. Before I could start the newest, I became extremely ill and was admitted to hospital. It wasn't anything long term, and I'm much better now.

As such, my firrst couple of days on the ward were recent, about a week after everybody else started their new jobs.

Despite this job having no oncalls whatsoever, it is still within general medicine (unlike my last, speciality post), and as such fills me with ever familiar tension, anxiety, rising panic and the repeated thought: 'I do not want to be here'. The last rotation though better than most, as I've already said, still fell short of expectations. I am unsure if it is worth all of this. I think I'm finally ready to admit it: I am not emotionally cut out to be a doctor. I don't know how to switch off, remain calm, or relax properly. In addition my judgement calls are not always the best ones. And no amount of clinical knowledge, empathy or communication skills will make up for that.

I am toying with the idea of dropping out of my FY2 year.

However, I'm not totally stupid, I am aware I need an alternate source of income. Novel writing will not cut it unless done alongside a regular job.

I have been scouring jobs.ac.uk regularly for some sort of interim research assistant post.

The thought of prematurely terminating my medical career as a doctor fills me with a whole host of feelings; the fear of everybody's reactions (not least my parents'), the apprehension of a big salary cut, but mostly sweet, sweet relief.

There is nothing suitable on jobs.ac.uk currently, but it's, with hope, only a matter of time.

More later - probably next week.

Clarification

So I came across the following today (after a Google search in a low period):

http://thelostdoctor.blogspot.co.uk

I am updating this from my phone and not quite to grips with doing this yet so if the link above can't actually be clicked on, apologies.

Anyway, what struck me about this - and then about other similar bloggers / viewpoints (after further Googling) - was that he and many others seem to be saying is 'I love medicine itself as a subject but hate the job'.

Let's be straight with where I stand: though I highly respect the subject of medicine, I have realised I really have no love for it whatsoever. No passion or interest or desire to read up lots. 

And it is an addition to this that I dislike the job itself.

I've started working on the action plan. I think it's coming along nicely.

I've also started a creative writing course which is very distracting and nice.

More later.

Action Plans

So it has been well over a year since I last posted on here; to tell the truth, I'd almost forgotten that this blog existed. I think that has probably been to my detriment, as blogging is quite cathartic and as such I should have used this to my advantage during all the stress I've encountered over the last year and a bit.

I graduated officially in 2012 and began my Foundation Year One (FY1) training in August 2012. I'm now a couple of months into my FY2 year and my opinions on medicine have not really changed. The tag line of this blog used to be 'slightly reluctant doctor-in-waiting', and this was based on the fact I was not 100% sure about my chosen career path. After three and a half different rotations (some more specialised than others), I am still not sure, but try to do the best job I can whilst  I am still on said path. The rotation I am on now is within the one speciality I thought may sway my mind towards thinking that yes, I DID make the right choice, however it isn't really having the desired effect - or at least, not to the magnitude that I expected. I am at least enjoying it more than my other rotations (which I had predicted I would).

I have made the decision to take a year out after this academic year, however. I need a break before I am potentially sucked into an NHS training scheme, and so will not be applying to any in about a month's time like my colleagues for speciality training (for anybody curious and not familiar, details can be found here). Plans for the year out? Work, then travel, much like a post-school gap year I suppose. The SO is approving and plans to do the same, as he is feeling the need for a break as well.

I still don't really know what to do with my life, and am continuing on with medicine because of the basic (quite big) benefits: guaranteed respectable work and regular (reasonable) salary (with guaranteed progression). I'm not sure how to acquire these elsewhere yet. My parents' opinion has always erred towards the fact that I'm maybe expecting in wanting to be completely 'happy' in my job - that 'a job is just a job', something to be endured for the sake of earning enough money to live a good life.

I was complaining about my dissatisfaction with my current work and general irritation that I can't think of a suitable, viable alternative to a friend (and colleague). He told me that I need an 'action plan'. Something inspiring I can stick up somewhere I'll look at daily.

So here's to formulating that action plan, something I'm aiming to do today. When I'm pleased with it, I might even share.

Part of said plan is going to be daily blogging - so as to at least continue writing, something I started again the spring of last year and promptly discarded in the midst of all the stress that starting my life as an intensely terrified new doctor provided.

Fingers crossed all goes well.

Dyspraxia

I definitely have a mild form of dyspraxia, despite netdoctor claiming 70% of those affected are male.

I maybe just fall into the 30%.

Only, conversely to what I have just read (and probably, as a final year medical student having completed her paediatric attachment, knew at some point), I think I've got more dyspraxic as I've gotten older.

My dearest father will argue that, no, I've just grown more self-conscious.

Which is probably true. I hate that he's always right.

I am clumsy though, there's no doubt about it. It's really not helpful on the wards.

Busy wards + a tendency to break/spill/knock over just don't go well together. One might even say that they're diametrically opposed.

I'm going to learn to embrace it, and try not to be so pissed off at myself for it.

Even though it's a curse.

And it's definitely a proper curse, because yesterday, I kid you not, I was merely STANDING NEXT TO an aisle of clothing in a shop - and one of the dresses fell off the rack.

Erm, say what?

Apparently my mere presence is enough for things like this to happen.

I never thought of it as a potential thing to blog about, but since some of the stories my, ahem, borderline dyspraxia leads to are quite amusing, I shall maybe start to do so...

In other news, I've begun writing again. And I'm feelin' good!

xx

Assistantships and Electives

So, over the last few months, to summarise:

- I passed that resit I mentioned a while back
- I applied for, and was rejected from, that BMJ scholarship I mentioned a while back
- I arranged an alternative elective doing some public health research locally (which I began yesterday)
- I've sat my finals
- I've unfortunately not passed every element of said finals, and must resit the one element (that I failed by about two marks) soon. It is not the written theory paper, THANK GOODNESS.
- I have acquired more dislike for the wards having completed, immediately post finals, something called an 'assistantship'.

The main thing I thought I'd talk about today, to lead myself back into regular blogging, is the assistantship. It's probably the most interesting bit of the above.

It is a new, four week module they are trialling in our medical school this year, because apparently, our medical graduates are sh*t scared when they hit the wards in August - as in, more so than their peers (i.e. foundation year one doctors from other medical schools).

So, in addition to the mandatory two week shadowing, the GMC recommended we have something additional...so they introduced this.

It was extremely useful (though perhaps didn't need to be quite so long), I felt part of the team and am definitely much more prepared for what August is going to hit me with. I'm especially glad I did a night with the F1 I was allocated to, as well.

However! I am also now more terrified than ever and even more convinced hospital medicine isn't for me.

I practised - a LOT - of bloods and cannulas, and am still fairly hopeless. I am not exaggerating - why should I bother? It's the truth, and the juniors on the ward and my peers can vouch for it.

I am okay at talking with patients, I am terrible at making crucial connections between history and outcome.

I'm told all of the above will come with practice, but frankly, I'm so fed up. I knew during my first clinical attachment I wasn't fitting in, and two more years of medical school have made no difference.

I will, of course, have to do my foundation years regardless of this feeling - but I really wish I didn't have to.

However, it's probably best, and who knows, perhaps finally my mind will change...though I am sceptical!

As I mentioned earlier in the post, I started my elective yesterday. I am extremely thrilled to be doing public health research. I am good at maths, I am good at reading, I am good at English (and so, the write up), and I CAN make connections when I see them developing during data analysis - and for the first time in goodness knows how many months, I feel relaxed, happy and at ease. I can actually do this. I feel a bit out of my depth, but I feel like I'll be able to fit in here, and pick up the things I don't know.

I barely ever felt that way over the last two years, unless I really convinced myself.

Perhaps research is the way to go, once the next two years are over?

I aim to post more regularly, and update on how the elective is going! I am also going to try to start writing for fun again (I haven't for about a year, because it was final year) - so will aim to update the other blog with samples!

More later xx

So, it's nearly the end...

I realise I have been extremely inactive over the last four ish months.

Blame my finals, blame a new four week module for which we were the guinea pigs (which terrified me to my core), but mostly, blame me.

It is late now, but I shall return with some tales from the past months and some new resolutions, tomorrow.

Unforgivable.

That is the only word that can describe my COMPLETE absence for so, so long.

I blame it on three things.

First, of course, on myself, because the second two reasons should not have been enough to keep me!

Secondly, on the fact that my current placement is in a remote little town with little to no internet access (and the signal on my mobile is abysmal, so no chance of posting via that unfortunately).

Thirdly, I have just had a resit exam, and so have been quite busy studying for that.

How did it go, you might ask?

Eh, it's difficult to say.

Teaching in ten minutes, so I am off now, but this is my last week in said remote little town and of course that exam is now over, so I should be posting more from now on. Finals are fast approaching though, so I'm unsure that the quality of the posts will be as good as it should be, but sitll.

Next task - and I will try to get this sorted before the next entry - to sort my elective!!

All for now :) x