Assistantships and Electives

So, over the last few months, to summarise:

- I passed that resit I mentioned a while back
- I applied for, and was rejected from, that BMJ scholarship I mentioned a while back
- I arranged an alternative elective doing some public health research locally (which I began yesterday)
- I've sat my finals
- I've unfortunately not passed every element of said finals, and must resit the one element (that I failed by about two marks) soon. It is not the written theory paper, THANK GOODNESS.
- I have acquired more dislike for the wards having completed, immediately post finals, something called an 'assistantship'.

The main thing I thought I'd talk about today, to lead myself back into regular blogging, is the assistantship. It's probably the most interesting bit of the above.

It is a new, four week module they are trialling in our medical school this year, because apparently, our medical graduates are sh*t scared when they hit the wards in August - as in, more so than their peers (i.e. foundation year one doctors from other medical schools).

So, in addition to the mandatory two week shadowing, the GMC recommended we have something additional...so they introduced this.

It was extremely useful (though perhaps didn't need to be quite so long), I felt part of the team and am definitely much more prepared for what August is going to hit me with. I'm especially glad I did a night with the F1 I was allocated to, as well.

However! I am also now more terrified than ever and even more convinced hospital medicine isn't for me.

I practised - a LOT - of bloods and cannulas, and am still fairly hopeless. I am not exaggerating - why should I bother? It's the truth, and the juniors on the ward and my peers can vouch for it.

I am okay at talking with patients, I am terrible at making crucial connections between history and outcome.

I'm told all of the above will come with practice, but frankly, I'm so fed up. I knew during my first clinical attachment I wasn't fitting in, and two more years of medical school have made no difference.

I will, of course, have to do my foundation years regardless of this feeling - but I really wish I didn't have to.

However, it's probably best, and who knows, perhaps finally my mind will change...though I am sceptical!

As I mentioned earlier in the post, I started my elective yesterday. I am extremely thrilled to be doing public health research. I am good at maths, I am good at reading, I am good at English (and so, the write up), and I CAN make connections when I see them developing during data analysis - and for the first time in goodness knows how many months, I feel relaxed, happy and at ease. I can actually do this. I feel a bit out of my depth, but I feel like I'll be able to fit in here, and pick up the things I don't know.

I barely ever felt that way over the last two years, unless I really convinced myself.

Perhaps research is the way to go, once the next two years are over?

I aim to post more regularly, and update on how the elective is going! I am also going to try to start writing for fun again (I haven't for about a year, because it was final year) - so will aim to update the other blog with samples!

More later xx