So, it seems I am incapable of living up to the resolution 'I will blog daily'.
Still, I think it's good I haven't let a year pass since such a resolution this time round - only a month and a bit!
My first rotation of FY2 has ended. Before I could start the newest, I became extremely ill and was admitted to hospital. It wasn't anything long term, and I'm much better now.
As such, my firrst couple of days on the ward were recent, about a week after everybody else started their new jobs.
Despite this job having no oncalls whatsoever, it is still within general medicine (unlike my last, speciality post), and as such fills me with ever familiar tension, anxiety, rising panic and the repeated thought: 'I do not want to be here'. The last rotation though better than most, as I've already said, still fell short of expectations. I am unsure if it is worth all of this. I think I'm finally ready to admit it: I am not emotionally cut out to be a doctor. I don't know how to switch off, remain calm, or relax properly. In addition my judgement calls are not always the best ones. And no amount of clinical knowledge, empathy or communication skills will make up for that.
I am toying with the idea of dropping out of my FY2 year.
However, I'm not totally stupid, I am aware I need an alternate source of income. Novel writing will not cut it unless done alongside a regular job.
I have been scouring jobs.ac.uk regularly for some sort of interim research assistant post.
The thought of prematurely terminating my medical career as a doctor fills me with a whole host of feelings; the fear of everybody's reactions (not least my parents'), the apprehension of a big salary cut, but mostly sweet, sweet relief.
There is nothing suitable on jobs.ac.uk currently, but it's, with hope, only a matter of time.
More later - probably next week.
