Dyspraxia

I definitely have a mild form of dyspraxia, despite netdoctor claiming 70% of those affected are male.

I maybe just fall into the 30%.

Only, conversely to what I have just read (and probably, as a final year medical student having completed her paediatric attachment, knew at some point), I think I've got more dyspraxic as I've gotten older.

My dearest father will argue that, no, I've just grown more self-conscious.

Which is probably true. I hate that he's always right.

I am clumsy though, there's no doubt about it. It's really not helpful on the wards.

Busy wards + a tendency to break/spill/knock over just don't go well together. One might even say that they're diametrically opposed.

I'm going to learn to embrace it, and try not to be so pissed off at myself for it.

Even though it's a curse.

And it's definitely a proper curse, because yesterday, I kid you not, I was merely STANDING NEXT TO an aisle of clothing in a shop - and one of the dresses fell off the rack.

Erm, say what?

Apparently my mere presence is enough for things like this to happen.

I never thought of it as a potential thing to blog about, but since some of the stories my, ahem, borderline dyspraxia leads to are quite amusing, I shall maybe start to do so...

In other news, I've begun writing again. And I'm feelin' good!

xx

Assistantships and Electives

So, over the last few months, to summarise:

- I passed that resit I mentioned a while back
- I applied for, and was rejected from, that BMJ scholarship I mentioned a while back
- I arranged an alternative elective doing some public health research locally (which I began yesterday)
- I've sat my finals
- I've unfortunately not passed every element of said finals, and must resit the one element (that I failed by about two marks) soon. It is not the written theory paper, THANK GOODNESS.
- I have acquired more dislike for the wards having completed, immediately post finals, something called an 'assistantship'.

The main thing I thought I'd talk about today, to lead myself back into regular blogging, is the assistantship. It's probably the most interesting bit of the above.

It is a new, four week module they are trialling in our medical school this year, because apparently, our medical graduates are sh*t scared when they hit the wards in August - as in, more so than their peers (i.e. foundation year one doctors from other medical schools).

So, in addition to the mandatory two week shadowing, the GMC recommended we have something additional...so they introduced this.

It was extremely useful (though perhaps didn't need to be quite so long), I felt part of the team and am definitely much more prepared for what August is going to hit me with. I'm especially glad I did a night with the F1 I was allocated to, as well.

However! I am also now more terrified than ever and even more convinced hospital medicine isn't for me.

I practised - a LOT - of bloods and cannulas, and am still fairly hopeless. I am not exaggerating - why should I bother? It's the truth, and the juniors on the ward and my peers can vouch for it.

I am okay at talking with patients, I am terrible at making crucial connections between history and outcome.

I'm told all of the above will come with practice, but frankly, I'm so fed up. I knew during my first clinical attachment I wasn't fitting in, and two more years of medical school have made no difference.

I will, of course, have to do my foundation years regardless of this feeling - but I really wish I didn't have to.

However, it's probably best, and who knows, perhaps finally my mind will change...though I am sceptical!

As I mentioned earlier in the post, I started my elective yesterday. I am extremely thrilled to be doing public health research. I am good at maths, I am good at reading, I am good at English (and so, the write up), and I CAN make connections when I see them developing during data analysis - and for the first time in goodness knows how many months, I feel relaxed, happy and at ease. I can actually do this. I feel a bit out of my depth, but I feel like I'll be able to fit in here, and pick up the things I don't know.

I barely ever felt that way over the last two years, unless I really convinced myself.

Perhaps research is the way to go, once the next two years are over?

I aim to post more regularly, and update on how the elective is going! I am also going to try to start writing for fun again (I haven't for about a year, because it was final year) - so will aim to update the other blog with samples!

More later xx

So, it's nearly the end...

I realise I have been extremely inactive over the last four ish months.

Blame my finals, blame a new four week module for which we were the guinea pigs (which terrified me to my core), but mostly, blame me.

It is late now, but I shall return with some tales from the past months and some new resolutions, tomorrow.