Illness and Strife

So, it seems I am incapable of living up to the resolution 'I will blog daily'.

Still, I think it's good I haven't let a year pass since such a resolution this time round - only a month and a bit!

My first rotation of FY2 has ended. Before I could start the newest, I became extremely ill and was admitted to hospital. It wasn't anything long term, and I'm much better now.

As such, my firrst couple of days on the ward were recent, about a week after everybody else started their new jobs.

Despite this job having no oncalls whatsoever, it is still within general medicine (unlike my last, speciality post), and as such fills me with ever familiar tension, anxiety, rising panic and the repeated thought: 'I do not want to be here'. The last rotation though better than most, as I've already said, still fell short of expectations. I am unsure if it is worth all of this. I think I'm finally ready to admit it: I am not emotionally cut out to be a doctor. I don't know how to switch off, remain calm, or relax properly. In addition my judgement calls are not always the best ones. And no amount of clinical knowledge, empathy or communication skills will make up for that.

I am toying with the idea of dropping out of my FY2 year.

However, I'm not totally stupid, I am aware I need an alternate source of income. Novel writing will not cut it unless done alongside a regular job.

I have been scouring jobs.ac.uk regularly for some sort of interim research assistant post.

The thought of prematurely terminating my medical career as a doctor fills me with a whole host of feelings; the fear of everybody's reactions (not least my parents'), the apprehension of a big salary cut, but mostly sweet, sweet relief.

There is nothing suitable on jobs.ac.uk currently, but it's, with hope, only a matter of time.

More later - probably next week.

Clarification

So I came across the following today (after a Google search in a low period):

http://thelostdoctor.blogspot.co.uk

I am updating this from my phone and not quite to grips with doing this yet so if the link above can't actually be clicked on, apologies.

Anyway, what struck me about this - and then about other similar bloggers / viewpoints (after further Googling) - was that he and many others seem to be saying is 'I love medicine itself as a subject but hate the job'.

Let's be straight with where I stand: though I highly respect the subject of medicine, I have realised I really have no love for it whatsoever. No passion or interest or desire to read up lots. 

And it is an addition to this that I dislike the job itself.

I've started working on the action plan. I think it's coming along nicely.

I've also started a creative writing course which is very distracting and nice.

More later.

Action Plans

So it has been well over a year since I last posted on here; to tell the truth, I'd almost forgotten that this blog existed. I think that has probably been to my detriment, as blogging is quite cathartic and as such I should have used this to my advantage during all the stress I've encountered over the last year and a bit.

I graduated officially in 2012 and began my Foundation Year One (FY1) training in August 2012. I'm now a couple of months into my FY2 year and my opinions on medicine have not really changed. The tag line of this blog used to be 'slightly reluctant doctor-in-waiting', and this was based on the fact I was not 100% sure about my chosen career path. After three and a half different rotations (some more specialised than others), I am still not sure, but try to do the best job I can whilst  I am still on said path. The rotation I am on now is within the one speciality I thought may sway my mind towards thinking that yes, I DID make the right choice, however it isn't really having the desired effect - or at least, not to the magnitude that I expected. I am at least enjoying it more than my other rotations (which I had predicted I would).

I have made the decision to take a year out after this academic year, however. I need a break before I am potentially sucked into an NHS training scheme, and so will not be applying to any in about a month's time like my colleagues for speciality training (for anybody curious and not familiar, details can be found here). Plans for the year out? Work, then travel, much like a post-school gap year I suppose. The SO is approving and plans to do the same, as he is feeling the need for a break as well.

I still don't really know what to do with my life, and am continuing on with medicine because of the basic (quite big) benefits: guaranteed respectable work and regular (reasonable) salary (with guaranteed progression). I'm not sure how to acquire these elsewhere yet. My parents' opinion has always erred towards the fact that I'm maybe expecting in wanting to be completely 'happy' in my job - that 'a job is just a job', something to be endured for the sake of earning enough money to live a good life.

I was complaining about my dissatisfaction with my current work and general irritation that I can't think of a suitable, viable alternative to a friend (and colleague). He told me that I need an 'action plan'. Something inspiring I can stick up somewhere I'll look at daily.

So here's to formulating that action plan, something I'm aiming to do today. When I'm pleased with it, I might even share.

Part of said plan is going to be daily blogging - so as to at least continue writing, something I started again the spring of last year and promptly discarded in the midst of all the stress that starting my life as an intensely terrified new doctor provided.

Fingers crossed all goes well.